When it came time that delivery was imminent, I was dilated to 6cm and I knew it wouldn’t be long. It was now time for me to allow myself to visit my feelings of loss. I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect. What was it going to be like to deliver a lifeless baby?
Would they let me hold her immediately like my previous deliveries? How would I deal with this? My husband and I named her Anna Catherine. As I thought about her, I begin to cry and grieve; but, God stopped me in my tracks. I closed my eyes and there I went for a chat with God.
He reminded me of how the disciples didn’t understand Jesus when He talked about going somewhere the disciples couldn’t follow, but they had to trust Him. I didn’t understand why Anna had to go, but God asked me, “Do you trust me?”
I delivered Anna the Thursday before Good Friday in 2004. I felt in a mild sense like she was my sacrificial lamb. She had to die so that I could live. God truly gave me His total peace that day. I knew that if I died, I was at peace with God. I used to work with moms in the neonatal nurseries at a hospital. Some of these moms gave up their babies for adoption.
Because of my work, I was able to see God has Anna’s adoptive parent and me as her birth parent. Somehow, it also gave me peace to think that God would raise her in a perfect placed called heaven. Yes, I did grieve, but God comforted me by reminding me that He was caring for Anna.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
– John 14:27 (NIV)
“Dear God, only You can give us perfect peace that is incomprehensible. Only You can calm Your child in the midst of the storms of life. Thank You, for loving us so much that you meet us where we are in the midst of our grief, trepidation, and fear; and You faithfully fill us with Your peace. Lord, I know that the peace You gave me, You will give to others! Thank You, for the gift of Your perfect peace during…”